


I Wanted it for Myself

by The_Fictionist_Aura



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-24
Updated: 2013-04-24
Packaged: 2017-12-09 08:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/772145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Fictionist_Aura/pseuds/The_Fictionist_Aura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief glimpse into Spencer's struggle with dilaudid. Song fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanted it for Myself

_After the storm had passed_   
_I wondered how long_   
_The break in the clouds would last_

It was several months after Tobias that the team seemed to finally relax and leave me alone. Not completely of course. I had a feeling one of two of them had a hint or two I was using. But with no actual proof, an accusation would rather pointless and straining on the calm façade the team was trying to hold. Oh, there were the casual meetings in public places and such. Attempts to small talk that would gradually lead into the slightest suggestion of social interaction at my house. I remained firm in my curt refusals. I couldn't let them see the black hole I had dug myself into. It was pathetic for even the most drowned drug addict.

_I saw something in your eyes I'm sure_   
_And baby I saw it_

Sometimes I ask myself why. My memory of starting was beyond blurry. In fact, I can't really remember where I got my first fix after the…case. The memory of Tobias' voice and heavy breathing, reassuring as he kept dosing me. His eyes oozed of sympathy and…relief. Almost as if he was treating himself as he injected me again and again.

_Something in your eyes_   
_I wanted it for myself_

For a week, I found myself opening the worn cotton ball taped over the needle hole. It was an angry red and only ached when pressed my thumb over it. My stomach would flutter and I would relive a fraction of the high only a proper needle could provide. Flashes of younger, happier days. An inkling of innocence of young, of being naïve and not know the evils of the world. It's amazing what the mind can remember at a simple touch. But soon, that wasn't enough.

_I sit and I wait and I stare_   
_Still wishing for divine intervention_   
_To lift me from my chair_

Though I never told anyone on the team, I had thought of the first shot of dilaudid was a poison. Delusional with exhaustion, I suppose I was partially hoping it was poison and send me off to wherever one goes in death. Yet, it was a living death that awaited me.

_I saw something in your eyes I'm sure_   
_And baby I saw it_   
_Something in your eyes_

It was true what all the books and rehab patients said. The denial, the slow addition, the withdrawals. None of the statistics could help me now.

_I saw something in your eyes I'm sure_   
_And baby I saw it_   
_There was something in your eyes_   
_I wanted it for myself_

I refilled the syringe.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N – Dark…not my best work but ah well. Song is Saw Something by David Gahan.


End file.
